Category Archives: Psychotic Rants and Stuff

It’s Been a “Minute” since I Updated…

What’s new in the world of “The Roc-Star” you might ask?

I have about a BILLION hikes to add- which I will- shortly! So many AMAZING hiking trails in Vegas! I find out about a new one almost EVERY week!

Have a boyfriend who wants to hike with me but can’t find the time- PSSHHH…

Realized that you can devote yourself and ALL your energy into saving someone’s life and in turn- that person can STILL turn around and treat you like garbage. C’est la vie…

Stayed at the same weight, went up a bit- lost some of it but not all. Pretty uncomfortable right now but that will change once I get my fatigue under control.

I mentioned “FATIGUE.” Yeah- I still have that and can’t seem to beat it. It’s affecting my workouts and energy level severely. A doctor’s visit is in order.

My youngest Daughter is getting MARRIED. I’m paying for it so I’m stressed beyond stress because “I ain’t no Rockefella” and the part time job I got to help pay for this isn’t giving me any HOURS!

Still at the same job. Sigh.

That’s the update!

I would write something controversial or hop up on my Soap Box but…I’m too tired. My disgust over the election of Trump has pretty much worn me down these days and -oh- speaking of “grabbing them by the pussy,” check out my 49 and holding photo at the top of the page! I wish I looked that good in person 😉

More to come!

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Food Panic

I received a candy bouquet for Mother’s Day and promptly lost my shit. Then I saw cheesecake in the fridge and wanted to jump off the roof. I’m so grateful to my daughter for thinking of me and the thought was SO appreciated but- I still have an eating disorder no matter how much I deny it and junk food makes me PANIC. Ugh…

You go over your issues- extensively analyzed what/why you feel the way you do. You do  the work -accept them and try to keep control but still find yourself slipping now and again. It’s normal. Everyone does it but I do it more than most AND I beat myself up over it every time.

Tonight, I decided to just give in. I knew I’d be up all night working and those TWIX (my fave) would be calling me from the dining table- enticing me, hypnotizing my willpower. So I ate one. Then the other. After my initial reaction (nausea and sweats from RNY GBS), I accepted that I am a flawed, normal human being and savored the chocolaty goodness . A few hours later, I worked out (like a skinny, normal, non- eating disorder type person would do).

The End.

Eventually, I’ll need to find a coping mechanism for these issues (and jumping off the roof is NOT the best option). Until then, candy will occasionally win and I’m gonna have to let it or lose my mind.

twix-wrapped

High Maintenance Girls

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I’ve never been a High Maintenance Girl.

I don’t know whether it’s my lack of self-esteem or because I’m the “no drama” type but after a short conversation with a “friend,” I realized that when you ask for nothing- that’s what you get.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt truly special. Though my “friend” went out of his way to fix my car (which I truly appreciate), he has described to me all the wonderful things he has done for wives and girlfriends in the past. I listen to his stories and become sad (and a bit enraged)  because I haven’t experienced what other women find NORMAL. No flowers sent just because. No jewelry given as a token of love and affection. No surprise trips to exotic beaches or urban playgrounds. Nothing. I’ve had to buy my OWN flowers and jewelry and take MYSELF on trips ALONE. That’s MY reality and I’m kind of sick of it.

I question my own motives. Am I continuing my quest to better myself because I want to be healthy and happy or am I wanting be someone’s idea of perfection? With my withering body and sea of SKIN- I don’t think I’ll ever get to that point but am I wishing it so? I have to admit- I am. Since I’m teetering on 50- I don’t have much time left before my body just has enough and goes COMPLETELY to shit so- is it worth all this effort?

The answer: Is there one?

 

 

 

 

Will I ever be me?

I’ve been told that it really doesn’t matter,

It’s what’s on the inside that counts-

Then reality rears its ugly head.

At times I weep endlessly,

Longing to be THAT person- the person I’m supposed to be in my own distorted vision.

I look in the mirror with such disgust,

I am not disillusioned- I know what I see.

Sometimes I work harder-

Sometimes I give up.

At the end of it all-

Will I ever be me?

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Gratitude Found

In April, I began to take charge of my life and started losing the weight I had gained 4 years after my WLS.

In May, someone extraordinary came into my world. His wings were horribly broken. I silently let him borrow mine until he was able to fly on his own once more.

15 Pounds gone…

In June, After experiencing hundreds of hours of text conversations, I learned that sometimes it’s more important to listen then to be heard.

25 Pounds gone…

In July, I prayed (more than I ever have in my entire life) and found that you can hear the Universe whisper your answer if you pay close attention.

30 pounds lost…

In August, the darkest depths of depression engulfed me. I scratched my way to the surface and desperately tried to make myself believe my own advice. Ever so slowly, I accepted the words that I gently dished out to others.

40 pounds lost…

In September, It dawned on me that compassion, trust, friendship and most importantly LOVE is EVERYTHING. The rest is just empty and meaningless.

45 pounds lost…

In October, I prayed the longest- cried the hardest- felt every emotion that had been bottled up inside for months. As the weeks progressed, a beautiful metamorphosis occurred…my broken one’s wings began to heal and in an odd way- so did I.

48 pounds lost…

In November, I watched my broken one begin to SOAR– his own wings now firmly attached. Before I knew it, mine came back to me as well. Returned slightly worn- strength, courage and uncomplicated love still lingering between the soft, white down.

What I’ve learned can’t be expressed…what I gained, can’t be measured.

Where will we fly? How far can we sail? Only time will tell.

50 pounds lost.
Gratitude found.

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Compliments and Silly Dating Conversations

I work from home and my office is quite a distance away. I took a brief trip to take care of some business for a friend and had a bit of time to kill- so I went up to the office to visit some co-workers.

What an ego boost!

I hadn’t seen many of them for about 2 years. ALL I heard was, “OMG! LOOK AT YOU! YOU GOT SO SKINNY! YOU LOOK SO GOOD!”
LOL! Thanks co-workers!

ANYWAY-

My co-worker Brenda and I were talking for a bit and the subject of dating came up.
“So…are you seeing anybody?”
“Nope,” I said “It’s hard for me to meet people.”
“Why? You look great! I can’t see why it’s so hard for you.”
“Because I’m not fat enough to be a fetish and I’m too fat for normal guys.” I answered
Brenda laughed her ass off after that comment!
“Seriously, you look great” she said, “I don’t see what the problem is. Besides, it’s what’s inside that counts…”
“I got news for you My Dear,” I said “no one wants to date my insides.”

It’s your inner beauty counts! Right? RIGHT?! HORSESHIT.

Too skinny for FETISH guys, too FAT (and probably old) for normal guys. Hmmm…this IS a problem, isn’t it?!
The men I’m attracted to are usually TOTALLY out of my league because they have GFs or Ex GFs that are -like- sticks w/Boobs which is something that THEY are attracted to- which is someone I will never be. The one’s that love my mind wouldn’t be caught DEAD with my body. I don’t like it but I understand it. You really can’t change human nature. C’est le vie…

I usually tell people like Brenda that when I’m done working on myself, I’ll make the effort to MAYBE meet someone. Isn’t it interesting that I’m ALWAYS working on myself? At this rate, I’ll be the most desirable Chick in the Nursing Home. 🙂

This post isn’t the LEAST bit negative, believe it or not. It just the facts and that’s that!

Now tell me again how GOOD I look…LOL!

FAT TV/Old Habits

It’s been awhile since I’ve updated this blog. I have a bunch of hikes to add but I’ve been too lazy to post them. Eventually I’ll get to it but until then, I’ll just add a rant or 2…

This is more like an observation then a rant:

Reality TV is just a cluster fuck of pure bullshit.

With that being said, I have to admit that I do watch the shows that have to do with weight. It’s an accountability thing. Watching them makes me think to myself, “There by the grace of G-d go I…”

“My 600 Pound Life” is like a cautionary tale. A reminder that I could easily slip back to the days of overwhelming depression and a direct path leading straight to the Burger King drive-thru. Gaining 50 lbs 4 years after surgery was frightening. Watching 600 pound people lose weight, become stubborn and gain the majority back is absolutely terrifying.

Though I did develop complications after WLS and was able to lose the 50 lbs gained because of them, I credit this show for helping me realize that this is NOT a place I want to dwell within again.

“My Big, Fat, Fabulous Life” is another show I catch now and then. Whitney Thore is an inspiration to the fat community. She is sweet, bubbly and projects a good attitude regardless of her situation. Why she hasn’t taken the WLS plunge is beyond me considering that she has Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome- which makes her an instant candidate.

TLC neglects to include the parts of her on camera where she is sitting alone and crying into a box of Twinkies over how much she hates being fat. Don’t tell me she doesn’t because all us fatties do…positive, size accepting attitude or not. The Size Acceptance Women run around saying that they’re proud of their bodies but basically try to validate themselves by sleeping with anyone that will accept them. I was one of those women. I could write a novel that makes 50 Shades of Grey look like a children’s book- but I digress…

Whitney mentioned something on her show just recently that really struck a nerve. She said she had to know where she was going with her friends because she had to make sure she could fit into the seat or wouldn’t break the chair. “There by the grace…” I thought to myself again. That’s a habit that still sticks with me to this day. Even at less than 1/2 my weight, I still scan the booths and chairs in restaurants to make sure I’ll fit. Crazy…

It’s been 8 years since my WLS and I still have to keep myself in check EVERY SINGLE DAY. Dramatics aside, these reality shows are therapy in an odd way. It’s like listening to the speaker at an NA meeting. Sometimes, you have to get past the grandiose bullshit to get to the message but THERE IS A MESSAGE- if you really want to listen.